Sunday, December 18, 2005

Happy Howlidays

Hi everyone! It’s me, Scout. Mom doesn’t feel like doing the Xmas newsletter this year but Dad likes it when everyone gets one in the mail. And if Dad is happy when it done, then maybe Dad will feed me and Max at the table and take us on longer walks. Gee, maybe I’ll even get an unleashed run if I write this real good. Oh boy, what should I talk about? So much has happened. They dragged me to training class at the beginning of the year which was pointless if you get my drift. I already know sit, stay, shake paw and how to run through an agility tunnel. But the class marveled at my skills at the last class. I was the only dog to do a trick and get
applause when I got my certificate. What did I do, you ask? I walked on two legs for liver treat Dad was holding up. If only all those poor old pups knew what to do for food. I am real smart and sneaky at knowing where
it is, how to get it and make it disappear but shhhhhh…. That’s between you and me.

In March, I was taking Mom for one of her walks and here’s my first hand account to all the reporters. After Mom's fiasco at the Timmy Hort donut place in the previous days where she dinged the truck, I heard some people complaining about her driving, how she should never drive again. Yeah, Dad was chief among them and he should talk. Wanna go outside with me and I'll show you with my paw all the dings in his truck and trailer. I don't got time to worry about him right now, save for later. 'We gotta do something about the Mommy' everyone was whispering. So I thought long and hard about what I could do. So when Dad told me it was time for me to take Mom for a walk, I thought there might still be a way for me to be a superhero. Shazam!!! I started the walk out nice and normal so as to not get her suspicions up. I did my sniff, sniffs and mark, marks on the obnoxious people's bushes & trees and where stupid Poms & Yorkies dared to tread. When I looked back to see that we were out of sight from our house, coast was clear. Broke out into a trot. It's like Michigan Derby time. Run, run faster Mom! Oh goody, here comes a raised sidewalk panel, might be what she needs, Bingo! Mom
goes flying over my head….. Oh no, she was crying…. Her kneecap was exposed she ended up with 17 staples to close the skin. So I didn’t get walked for a while. I learned a good lesson from that.

Next, in May… I got a new brother. He was a very annoying, yappy dog the size of a rat. Mom went and got him to keep me company without asking me if I wanted any. Dad was working in Toronto and didn’t know about it.
When she brought him home, I didn’t know what to do with him. He was bugging me so I growled and snapped at him for a few days. Mom went back to work, I felt sorry for the beast named Max who was now afraid to
come up to me. I got used to him and it wasn’t so bad having a rat-dog around. Mom, on the other hand, had a problem with how to break the news to Dad. When he came home and heard Max from outside, he said “oh nooooo”. I tried to break out the popcorn for a good fight but my paws don't reach high enough to the microwave. And the next day, Dad was hugging Max and telling him how cute he was and he just said “no more dogs!” I think Dad lost his spine.

August 1 came and we went up to Grandpa’s house for a week. Got taken for lots of walks in the woods and
on a golf course no less! All those men hitting their sticks at balls just waved at me so I figured I must be a
celebrity. It was a real great time. I even enjoyed going out in the boat and putting my paws up at the back of the boat to bite at the water. Mom was too busy to worry that I might fall out. She had Max whimpering and crying on her lap like a baby. He didn’t like the boat. My other Grandma and Grandpa came up to stay with us for a few days and they all went to some rodeo of trucks and left us behind in the house. I guess it was in Quebec and me and Max don’t speak any french at all so we couldn’t go.

But wait, that’s not the best part yet. Mom took me alone on trip to California! Can you believe it? I got to ride on the plane at mom’s feet because she told everyone I was her helper dog. (how do I help her by begging,
running away, and be an all around nuisance?) I think she slipped me some pills disguised in peanut butter so I wouldn’t say anything to the people on the plane about what a lack of help I am. When we got to Arizona I met 2 dogs named Deaus and Sophie and their momma, Jodi. We all rode in the car together a long way to California to go sleep on the ground outside. The only thing we had for privacy were these pieces of cloth they called tents. Of course I wondered why Mom would take me all this way until I saw all the other dogs that looked like
me. What a blast! And wait there’s more, People pet me and took pictures of me. I got to go down to the lake and bite the wave bubbles. I fell in love with the little dogs that dig holes in the ground and pop up and down. They come from the prairie and I couldn’t take them home with me. I got to go on long walks with mom and also
see a real honest to god dogfight! I was crowned biggest shiba ever and the other dogs couldn’t believe how I let everyone pet me. They don’t know being handsome, big and smart (editor's note: read suck-up) are good virtues towards getting more food in your tummy. Still my secret.

And then when October came around, Mom and Dad left us alone for an entire week! They tricked us. They left after putting all their clothes in some bags and putting them in the car. Me ‘n’ Max laid down to sleep while we thought they were out slaving for our greenies. We woke up at night and went to stand at the garage door but they never came home. The nerve! Instead, our cousin named Lynn came and she brought some clothes of hers. We knocked her down running to see if Mom and Dad were behind her. In all fairness, she was rather nice and tried to get us to sleep with her at bedtime. We got to go outside to pee, got our food and wait, it gets better… walks 2x a day!! Mom sometimes doesn’t want to walk us so we are lucky if we get walks everyday. She tells Dad she is just avoiding being dragged down the sidewalk and hurting her other knee. This Lynn gal brought these sticks with her and would bang them together. She called it fiber art. What is that? Why would you do that if you
could be licking yourself instead? I know I’m a crabby dog sometimes. You try holding your pee all day and then submitting as a furry mannequin at night. I do not do soap operas, knitting or modeling --- I hunt wild prey, my true calling… Not having doggy sweaters put on me. Max, he was a total wuss. He loved it all so much that I’m thinking about entering him in a contest called “The Dog”. I think he’ll be in his glory with all that fairy dust after they put the crown on his itty bitty ears. I told him just bring back all the food that you win and if you please, our Mom and Dad.

And they did come back. They told us they went to Paris where all the dogs get to go on walks without leashes and go inside stores. People in Paris really love their dogs! Speaking of contests like I just mentioned, did I forget to tell you that not only did I get my obedience certificate, I also got famous on the internet. I was a Punk Pet for chewing all the fingers off Mom’s glove except for that certain one. I left it in front of the door for her to
see when she came home after being gone all day. I also won’s Diary of the Day not once, but
twice! All the accolades still don’t get me all the food I want but I am a happy shiba living with Max (tibetan
spaniel) and my Mom and Dad. We hope you had a good year too and get lots of treats under your tree. Does Santa have a dog that I can write my wish list too??

Merry Christmas from our house to yours, Scout, Max and our owners, Claude & Kristine

Wednesday, July 20, 2005

How to croon....

My friends' moms are building paradise for us dogs out west. They are gonna call it shibaville! We will be able to run free, catch anything we want and eat it all up! Mom's birthday is in October and she shares it with a dead beetle I probably stomped and his name was John.

She changed John's song for me. I think we can make it our shibaville song, what do you think?

Imagine there's no fences,
It's easy if you try,
No water below us,
Above us only clear skies,
Imagine all the shibas
living for today...

Imagine there's no restrictions,
It isnt hard to do,
Nothing to sit or shake for,
No leashes too,
Imagine all the shibas
living life in freedom...

You may say I'm a dreamer....
but I'm not the only one, Arrroooooo

Wednesday, June 22, 2005

How I got Max

When Dad left me and Mom to go away, he said he was going over the big pond to see some of his other family. He was leaving us his first family to go see his second family, leaving us like we are dog doody. Mom said not to worry, that she would bring home a surprise for me. And boy, did she.....

I laid down for a day of napping with Sunshine after she went to work the next day. Next thing I knew what should come rushing into the house but a creature racing faster than I could lift my head. My tired eyes struggled to focus. Was it a rat? Nope too big.... was it a cat... nope.. I heard it bark, not meow. Mom!!! Are you having second thoughts about me?? Oh nooooo!! The beast jumped onto me and I snapped at it to let it know I was Boss Dog in this here manor. Looked like a tiny dog to me, somewhat manageable. nope....

She picked it up and told me that he was Max and he just came from the pound. A tibbie spaniel who was not wanted in his former home by the owner or their dog. Well, mom if they didn't want him, why would we?? She said "Scout, now we should make nice. Remember when nobody wanted you?" Thanks alot, Mom! Deflate my ego and build his up, eh? If those are the conditions for my continued residency and lifetime supply of kibbles & water, fine... But i'll be a horse's butt, if I'm sharing. Now that we're settled, everyone be gone so I can get my sleep.

So Mom leaves and I close my eyes. Next thing I know bounce, bounce...the rat is invading my space, jumping on my couch and barking in my ear. I howl at him and chase him around the house to go away and stop. All he wants to do is bother me and then horrors, he lifts a leg and pees on mom's chair. Uh oh....ha! Mom sees this, she'll take him back for sure to the pound. Victory is mine! I lay down and ignore him for the next few hours until she comes home. When she does I look at her. She sighs, cleans it up and takes him out back to learn proper potty rules. Mom didn't kick him out!! This happens for a whole week... Since the rat was around, I figure it was okay to wrestle with him when no one was looking. So I started a game to mess with his head. I jumped on him and barked and pawed at him. It got to be kind of fun. I have to admit it wasn't so bad, not being alone during the day. I started sharing my water and food with him.

Dad finally came home after a week. I thought it would be fun to see his reaction when he saw the peeing yapping little rat named Max. Me and Mom drove to get him when he ran out of gas at the bridge. When we got home, he heard the beast from the driveway and he said, I quote "did you get another dog??".... Ha!!! Dad ran to the house and saw the little rat. Boy.... was mom in trouble! She begged him for a week's chance. I was a little happy. I thought I would be the king of the house again. Just me, my mom and dad. The next day, Dad got up and he was snuggling with Max the rat. What happened? Dad, what about me? He told Mom, "no more dogs!!" Right, Dad! Kick him out, he's a rat! But I guess, he's a dog technically. So.... that's the story of how rat dog got to come live with us. He's not so bad, when he's not peeing indoors, stealing my toys & rawhides, yapping his mouth and being an annoying brother to me.

Sunday, June 5, 2005

How to get fired...

I got fired from my first and only job ever this week. I don't know how or why it happened but it was an interesting week nevertheless. I was soooo proud when dad told me to get ready for work when he woke mom and me up on Monday morning. Work? Me? This sounded novel and interesting, to go and see what they do for a change. I just stood up, shook off the cobwebs of sleep, jumped off the bed and ran to the door to signal that I was ready to go. I wasn't going to give him a fraction of a second to change his mind. Sunshine and the couch gets old after about the first hour with nobody around.

We pulled up to what looked like an old shack and he immediately tied me up to the tree. I don't know what he expected me to do, scare off intruders who would bother him while he's working? Perhaps he was bad and didn't pull his permission from the city man, I hear they come and spank you for that. So not only did I have to watch out for nosey neighbors, the mailman, animal control officers but any man who looked like he came from a desk and pushed a red pencil. At least that's what I think he and his friend Larry were saying about the bad man. So I ran around and around looking each way up and down the street. My rope was getting was shorter and shorter until I couldn't breathe no more. Then Dad came out and he couldn't see me. I was white as a ghost from the paint I tipped over. So not only did he have pull all my rope apart but he had to spray that cold water on me to clean me. Then he cursed about paint all the way to Home Depose (You of $$). When it was lunchtime, nobody helped me get my food. I had to pry the lid off and get my own food. I ate it all and the plastic just because I was hungry. Dad said I got a subpar evaluation for the day and would have to try harder the next day.

So Tuesday comes and the same things happened. I accidentally spill his beautiful paint and all the trees and bushes got in my way of trying to watch out for the men he didn't want to bother him. I didn't eat the lunch because he didn't bring any so I thought my rating approval might go up for that. He didn't complain too much, just muttered about the paint on the way back to Home Depose. Wednesday comes and they finished the outside so they were working indoors. I try to paw the door so I could tell them that there were people going by. He opened the door and I ran inside all the way through the house and right back outside. I'm a dog! I saw a chance to do a perimeter inspection around the neighborhood and earn some brownie points. I had been tied up so he hadn't given me any opportunity. I ran down the streets, beachfront and onto the golf course. Larry ran all over after me because he's tall and he caught me. Dad said some bad words to me and told me I was fired. Only 3 days and he didn't ask for a survey report from the run?? He left me at home on Thursday and mom said she can't take me to work because they don't allow dogs in the government building. Yea, whatever... Bring me home the paper so i can pee on the want ads.

Sunday, May 1, 2005

How to screw up...

Yesterday, I got tired of always being good and decided to play hooky and see what kinda fun I could make. I got lucky when I banged on the window to go out. When mom tried putting the ol' noose on me, it was loose and I made my break for sweet freedom. Saw a tomcat I could maybe scare hairballs out of but that didn't work out too well. Seems there might be a little thing called potbelly that has made friends with my two chins. Hey don't look at me, talk to the people who buy my groceries.

After I peed on tomcat's deck, I saw mom rounding the corner so I hurried up with my business and raced down the block. I wasn't ready to be dragged home. I could see what looked like dad and he was possibly organizing a Dog Scout pack with 10 boys holding stale doggy biscuits in the parking lot, arg! Piss off, dad!! I only get one life, not nine like the damn cats. You don't have to do your business in the yard with everyone watching, you eat whatever you want, whenever, drive all the time when you want and can go in all the stores. It's not fair! So tonight was my night to shine. I ran on and on.

I came to the car wash and I thought that if I ever wanted to get lucky with a babe I'd better go on inside for a quick wash and blow dry. I have seen what wonders they do for the ugly trucks my parents drive. Only one problem, I needed a mode of transport and I don't see any way of hitching a ride without speaking the language of these beasts. Sigh.... How about if I just walk right through? Oh shoot, too little too late.... Dad then came sauntering up. For an old 2-legger, he sure got around. I heard barking that distinctly sounded female in tone, so I ran fast and jumped as high as I could to clear this retaining wall. You should have seen me, the drop was 6 feet down to the ground. It was a sight to behold, I knew I had her at woof. I approached her and we looked at each other. She was big, white and....a male german shepherd who bared his teeth to smile at me.

Next thing I knew, Dad picked me up and was climbing the wall to bring me to safety. Mom was waiting in the truck. And the little black chihuahua next door was laughing at me when we got home and they carried me into the house.... sniff, sniff.

Friday, April 8, 2005

How to get sympathy

Arrrooooo Everyone!

Wow! This place is really different. Mom woke me up early today and told me I was going to get 'valued for the day instead of staying at home with Mr. Sunshine smiling on me. I was really surprised after she put her coat on and waved the black noose in front of my nose. Why would she be waving that at me when she and Daddy always leave me home on their slave days. Everybody knows they have to go conjure up piles of moola for my food and fun with human days. I don't go to work, they do. What was up?

Well, being cat-like, curiousity won out so I consented to let her put it around my neck. And off we went on the adventure. She didn't go in the direction of McDonald's. Nope, not to the ice cream place either. I saw the park whiz by too.... What's up Mom? If she was taking me to the doctor or the groomer, I was gonna be very mad and think about revenge on some more shoes or worse, purses. (shudder....)

We pulled up to a house and I hopped out at the sight of DOGS in the window waving. Now this was good. Any dogs that I can go boss around, mess with their inferiority complexes, woo girlfriends to lift up their sweet tails for me and snacks to be stolen. Man, Mom you are so thoughtful. Boy, this just made my year! Is it my birthday and someone forgot to tell me? Or Lassie the King day? I better remember to mark on the calender with my paw when I get home....

Ohhhhh.... I heard Nancy the nice lady tell Mom on the phone that I'm roaming free and playing nice. Mom just yelled "I don't believe that is Scout you are talking about!!" I guess she thought they would keep me locked up in the room with just one dog like they did this morning cuz they thought I was dog 'gressive. Ha! Have you ever seen me lift a paw to do any work, jump rope for exercise or anything remotely involving the exertion of energy ? Nope, the world revolves around Scout. People jump when I say so. So I'll bark at you later people and let you know if Mom enrolls me in this new country club she found for me.

Tuesday, March 8, 2005

How to keep Mom at home...

March 8th 2005 5:25 am

After Mom's fiasco at that Timmy Horton's place a couple days ago, I heard some people complaining about her driving, how she should never drive again. Yeah, Dad was chief among them and he should talk. Wanna go outside with me and I'll show you with my paw all the dings in his truck and trailer. I don't got time to worry about him right now, save for later. 'We gotta do something about the Mommy' everyone was whispering. So I thought long and hard about what I could do.

I thought I could pull out more stuffing from my animals and put them on our bed so she could hopefully choke on them while sleeping. Nooooo, it didn't work. She threw them away. And then I wondered if maybe we could get her to take a bubble bath (my favorite, to lick the bubbles…yummm), perhaps she might fall? Nope, she's not going for it. Daddy got to the tub first and he left it alllll dirty from work. She didn't want to clean it and I'm just a dog. I can't get the Fantastik sprayer to work with my little feet. Somehow I didn't think food poisoning from Purina chow would work either because she just flushed the funny looking kibble bits down the toilet.

So when Dad told me it was time for me to take Mom for a walk, I thought there might still be a way for me to be a superhero. Shazam!!! I started the walk out nice and normal so as to not get her suspicions up. I did my sniff, sniffs and mark, marks on the obnoxious people's bushes & trees and where stupid Poms & Yorkies dared to tread. When I looked back to see that we were out of sight from our house, coast was clear. Broke out into a trot. It's like Michigan Derby time. Run, run faster Mom! You need it anyways cuz you are awful fat from what Dad says. Oh goody, here comes a raised sidewalk panel, might be what she needs, Bingo! Mom goes flying over my head….. Oh no, she's crying…. Mom, are you okay?? Looks like her pants ripped too. Noooo, you are not cutting our walk too? Darn it, I didn't want that to happen…. We were just supposed to keep you from driving for awhile and from the looks of that bloody drivers' leg, Score!!! Mom, mom ?? where are you limping, that's not our house……

Friday, February 18, 2005

Run for the border

February 18th 2005 9:10 am

This morning Momster told me she got an email that I am a punk pet on another website. They found out what I did to the glove somewhere else too and apparently i am gaining some fame over it (?) Gee whiz, she sure has a big mouth! Mooommmmmm......

Too bad I did such a lousy job as a dog when we went to Taco Bell the other day. The man came on the little box next to the truck and he said "Welcome to Taco Bell, Run for the Border" and I did just what he told me to. Flew right out the window from the passenger seat across mom, whoosh!!!

Almost made my getaway but she grabbed my leash and i was hanging out that drivers window, choking. Man, he kept asking me what specials would I like while I was barking to him that I need more time to be successful at executing the order. Mom's pulling me up and I'm pushing away on that door with my claws. Everybody's honking away how proud they were of me. Couldn't let anyone down!

Finally I get down on the ground and shake off the sweat. Gotta decide what a dog's gotta do next. Uh oh.... here she come.... Shoot, mom's fast. She grabbed me and we are in an all out battle on the ground. I howled like the Taco Bell dog to see if anyone of my fans who honked would come and get me away from my Mad Mom. My Escape wasn't working and the Man wasn't talking anymore out of the box. Too late, Momster picked me up and threw me in the truck and locked the doors. Darn it.... she got that look in her eyes and she's spitting fire. Gotta go into Charm 'Em Up mode - lick, lick and lick Mommy with my tongue. No Crate, noooooooo. I love youuuuuu Mommy!!!

Thursday, February 10, 2005

How to have a little fun chewing things

It all began with the taste of a thumb. I spotted mom's green suede gloves laying around in the foyer a few weeks ago. I had gotten rather tired of rawhides and the cotton fillers of the silly toys they give me, you see. And the gloves did look like grass in the springtime. They weren't home so who's gonna stop me? Yum, didn't taste bad and didn't make me puke. But I didn't go overboard because last time I had glove, they shoved me in the crate and locked me up. I had to be careful and see if they noticed its absence.

So far so good. Night came and went. Mom and dad didn't look and see. Nobody grabbed me and yelled nonsense while waving the silly thing in the air. No being locked up in the garage. Yeah! So the next day I ate a few more tips of fingers. Tiny ones. I thought I saw mom noticed. She looked at me funny but didn't say anything. She never wore them anyways. Then today mom came home. Uh oh.... She sure didn't look happy. I ate all of the fingers off one glove but the middle finger, yeah that finger. And I left it on the floor in front of the door for her to see when she came home for lunch. Why is mom so upset?? She says she's going to take a picture and show everyone how I really feel about her and dad's generosity. It's a dog's life or should I say shiba's life! I am one spoiled shiba and do I know it.... purrrr.....