How to get sympathy

Arrrooooo Everyone!

Wow! This place is really different. Mom woke me up early today and told me I was going to get 'valued for the day instead of staying at home with Mr. Sunshine smiling on me. I was really surprised after she put her coat on and waved the black noose in front of my nose. Why would she be waving that at me when she and Daddy always leave me home on their slave days. Everybody knows they have to go conjure up piles of moola for my food and fun with human days. I don't go to work, they do. What was up?

Well, being cat-like, curiousity won out so I consented to let her put it around my neck. And off we went on the adventure. She didn't go in the direction of McDonald's. Nope, not to the ice cream place either. I saw the park whiz by too.... What's up Mom? If she was taking me to the doctor or the groomer, I was gonna be very mad and think about revenge on some more shoes or worse, purses. (shudder....)

We pulled up to a house and I hopped out at the sight of DOGS in the window waving. Now this was good. Any dogs that I can go boss around, mess with their inferiority complexes, woo girlfriends to lift up their sweet tails for me and snacks to be stolen. Man, Mom you are so thoughtful. Boy, this just made my year! Is it my birthday and someone forgot to tell me? Or Lassie the King day? I better remember to mark on the calender with my paw when I get home....

Ohhhhh.... I heard Nancy the nice lady tell Mom on the phone that I'm roaming free and playing nice. Mom just yelled "I don't believe that is Scout you are talking about!!" I guess she thought they would keep me locked up in the room with just one dog like they did this morning cuz they thought I was dog 'gressive. Ha! Have you ever seen me lift a paw to do any work, jump rope for exercise or anything remotely involving the exertion of energy ? Nope, the world revolves around Scout. People jump when I say so. So I'll bark at you later people and let you know if Mom enrolls me in this new country club she found for me.

How to keep Mom at home...

March 8th 2005 5:25 am

After Mom's fiasco at that Timmy Horton's place a couple days ago, I heard some people complaining about her driving, how she should never drive again. Yeah, Dad was chief among them and he should talk. Wanna go outside with me and I'll show you with my paw all the dings in his truck and trailer. I don't got time to worry about him right now, save for later. 'We gotta do something about the Mommy' everyone was whispering. So I thought long and hard about what I could do.

I thought I could pull out more stuffing from my animals and put them on our bed so she could hopefully choke on them while sleeping. Nooooo, it didn't work. She threw them away. And then I wondered if maybe we could get her to take a bubble bath (my favorite, to lick the bubbles…yummm), perhaps she might fall? Nope, she's not going for it. Daddy got to the tub first and he left it alllll dirty from work. She didn't want to clean it and I'm just a dog. I can't get the Fantastik sprayer to work with my little feet. Somehow I didn't think food poisoning from Purina chow would work either because she just flushed the funny looking kibble bits down the toilet.

So when Dad told me it was time for me to take Mom for a walk, I thought there might still be a way for me to be a superhero. Shazam!!! I started the walk out nice and normal so as to not get her suspicions up. I did my sniff, sniffs and mark, marks on the obnoxious people's bushes & trees and where stupid Poms & Yorkies dared to tread. When I looked back to see that we were out of sight from our house, coast was clear. Broke out into a trot. It's like Michigan Derby time. Run, run faster Mom! You need it anyways cuz you are awful fat from what Dad says. Oh goody, here comes a raised sidewalk panel, might be what she needs, Bingo! Mom goes flying over my head….. Oh no, she's crying…. Mom, are you okay?? Looks like her pants ripped too. Noooo, you are not cutting our walk too? Darn it, I didn't want that to happen…. We were just supposed to keep you from driving for awhile and from the looks of that bloody drivers' leg, Score!!! Mom, mom ?? where are you limping, that's not our house……

Run for the border

February 18th 2005 9:10 am

This morning Momster told me she got an email that I am a punk pet on another website. They found out what I did to the glove somewhere else too and apparently i am gaining some fame over it (?) Gee whiz, she sure has a big mouth! Mooommmmmm......

Too bad I did such a lousy job as a dog when we went to Taco Bell the other day. The man came on the little box next to the truck and he said "Welcome to Taco Bell, Run for the Border" and I did just what he told me to. Flew right out the window from the passenger seat across mom, whoosh!!!

Almost made my getaway but she grabbed my leash and i was hanging out that drivers window, choking. Man, he kept asking me what specials would I like while I was barking to him that I need more time to be successful at executing the order. Mom's pulling me up and I'm pushing away on that door with my claws. Everybody's honking away how proud they were of me. Couldn't let anyone down!

Finally I get down on the ground and shake off the sweat. Gotta decide what a dog's gotta do next. Uh oh.... here she come.... Shoot, mom's fast. She grabbed me and we are in an all out battle on the ground. I howled like the Taco Bell dog to see if anyone of my fans who honked would come and get me away from my Mad Mom. My Escape wasn't working and the Man wasn't talking anymore out of the box. Too late, Momster picked me up and threw me in the truck and locked the doors. Darn it.... she got that look in her eyes and she's spitting fire. Gotta go into Charm 'Em Up mode - lick, lick and lick Mommy with my tongue. No Crate, noooooooo. I love youuuuuu Mommy!!!

How to have a little fun chewing things

It all began with the taste of a thumb. I spotted mom's green suede gloves laying around in the foyer a few weeks ago. I had gotten rather tired of rawhides and the cotton fillers of the silly toys they give me, you see. And the gloves did look like grass in the springtime. They weren't home so who's gonna stop me? Yum, didn't taste bad and didn't make me puke. But I didn't go overboard because last time I had glove, they shoved me in the crate and locked me up. I had to be careful and see if they noticed its absence.

So far so good. Night came and went. Mom and dad didn't look and see. Nobody grabbed me and yelled nonsense while waving the silly thing in the air. No being locked up in the garage. Yeah! So the next day I ate a few more tips of fingers. Tiny ones. I thought I saw mom noticed. She looked at me funny but didn't say anything. She never wore them anyways. Then today mom came home. Uh oh.... She sure didn't look happy. I ate all of the fingers off one glove but the middle finger, yeah that finger. And I left it on the floor in front of the door for her to see when she came home for lunch. Why is mom so upset?? She says she's going to take a picture and show everyone how I really feel about her and dad's generosity. It's a dog's life or should I say shiba's life! I am one spoiled shiba and do I know it.... purrrr.....