How I got Max

When Dad left me and Mom to go away, he said he was going over the big pond to see some of his other family. He was leaving us his first family to go see his second family, leaving us like we are dog doody. Mom said not to worry, that she would bring home a surprise for me. And boy, did she.....

I laid down for a day of napping with Sunshine after she went to work the next day. Next thing I knew what should come rushing into the house but a creature racing faster than I could lift my head. My tired eyes struggled to focus. Was it a rat? Nope too big.... was it a cat... nope.. I heard it bark, not meow. Mom!!! Are you having second thoughts about me?? Oh nooooo!! The beast jumped onto me and I snapped at it to let it know I was Boss Dog in this here manor. Looked like a tiny dog to me, somewhat manageable. nope....

She picked it up and told me that he was Max and he just came from the pound. A tibbie spaniel who was not wanted in his former home by the owner or their dog. Well, mom if they didn't want him, why would we?? She said "Scout, now we should make nice. Remember when nobody wanted you?" Thanks alot, Mom! Deflate my ego and build his up, eh? If those are the conditions for my continued residency and lifetime supply of kibbles & water, fine... But i'll be a horse's butt, if I'm sharing. Now that we're settled, everyone be gone so I can get my sleep.

So Mom leaves and I close my eyes. Next thing I know bounce, bounce...the rat is invading my space, jumping on my couch and barking in my ear. I howl at him and chase him around the house to go away and stop. All he wants to do is bother me and then horrors, he lifts a leg and pees on mom's chair. Uh oh....ha! Mom sees this, she'll take him back for sure to the pound. Victory is mine! I lay down and ignore him for the next few hours until she comes home. When she does I look at her. She sighs, cleans it up and takes him out back to learn proper potty rules. Mom didn't kick him out!! This happens for a whole week... Since the rat was around, I figure it was okay to wrestle with him when no one was looking. So I started a game to mess with his head. I jumped on him and barked and pawed at him. It got to be kind of fun. I have to admit it wasn't so bad, not being alone during the day. I started sharing my water and food with him.

Dad finally came home after a week. I thought it would be fun to see his reaction when he saw the peeing yapping little rat named Max. Me and Mom drove to get him when he ran out of gas at the bridge. When we got home, he heard the beast from the driveway and he said, I quote "did you get another dog??".... Ha!!! Dad ran to the house and saw the little rat. Boy.... was mom in trouble! She begged him for a week's chance. I was a little happy. I thought I would be the king of the house again. Just me, my mom and dad. The next day, Dad got up and he was snuggling with Max the rat. What happened? Dad, what about me? He told Mom, "no more dogs!!" Right, Dad! Kick him out, he's a rat! But I guess, he's a dog technically. So.... that's the story of how rat dog got to come live with us. He's not so bad, when he's not peeing indoors, stealing my toys & rawhides, yapping his mouth and being an annoying brother to me.

How to get fired...

I got fired from my first and only job ever this week. I don't know how or why it happened but it was an interesting week nevertheless. I was soooo proud when dad told me to get ready for work when he woke mom and me up on Monday morning. Work? Me? This sounded novel and interesting, to go and see what they do for a change. I just stood up, shook off the cobwebs of sleep, jumped off the bed and ran to the door to signal that I was ready to go. I wasn't going to give him a fraction of a second to change his mind. Sunshine and the couch gets old after about the first hour with nobody around.

We pulled up to what looked like an old shack and he immediately tied me up to the tree. I don't know what he expected me to do, scare off intruders who would bother him while he's working? Perhaps he was bad and didn't pull his permission from the city man, I hear they come and spank you for that. So not only did I have to watch out for nosey neighbors, the mailman, animal control officers but any man who looked like he came from a desk and pushed a red pencil. At least that's what I think he and his friend Larry were saying about the bad man. So I ran around and around looking each way up and down the street. My rope was getting was shorter and shorter until I couldn't breathe no more. Then Dad came out and he couldn't see me. I was white as a ghost from the paint I tipped over. So not only did he have pull all my rope apart but he had to spray that cold water on me to clean me. Then he cursed about paint all the way to Home Depose (You of $$). When it was lunchtime, nobody helped me get my food. I had to pry the lid off and get my own food. I ate it all and the plastic just because I was hungry. Dad said I got a subpar evaluation for the day and would have to try harder the next day.

So Tuesday comes and the same things happened. I accidentally spill his beautiful paint and all the trees and bushes got in my way of trying to watch out for the men he didn't want to bother him. I didn't eat the lunch because he didn't bring any so I thought my rating approval might go up for that. He didn't complain too much, just muttered about the paint on the way back to Home Depose. Wednesday comes and they finished the outside so they were working indoors. I try to paw the door so I could tell them that there were people going by. He opened the door and I ran inside all the way through the house and right back outside. I'm a dog! I saw a chance to do a perimeter inspection around the neighborhood and earn some brownie points. I had been tied up so he hadn't given me any opportunity. I ran down the streets, beachfront and onto the golf course. Larry ran all over after me because he's tall and he caught me. Dad said some bad words to me and told me I was fired. Only 3 days and he didn't ask for a survey report from the run?? He left me at home on Thursday and mom said she can't take me to work because they don't allow dogs in the government building. Yea, whatever... Bring me home the paper so i can pee on the want ads.

How to screw up...

Yesterday, I got tired of always being good and decided to play hooky and see what kinda fun I could make. I got lucky when I banged on the window to go out. When mom tried putting the ol' noose on me, it was loose and I made my break for sweet freedom. Saw a tomcat I could maybe scare hairballs out of but that didn't work out too well. Seems there might be a little thing called potbelly that has made friends with my two chins. Hey don't look at me, talk to the people who buy my groceries.

After I peed on tomcat's deck, I saw mom rounding the corner so I hurried up with my business and raced down the block. I wasn't ready to be dragged home. I could see what looked like dad and he was possibly organizing a Dog Scout pack with 10 boys holding stale doggy biscuits in the parking lot, arg! Piss off, dad!! I only get one life, not nine like the damn cats. You don't have to do your business in the yard with everyone watching, you eat whatever you want, whenever, drive all the time when you want and can go in all the stores. It's not fair! So tonight was my night to shine. I ran on and on.

I came to the car wash and I thought that if I ever wanted to get lucky with a babe I'd better go on inside for a quick wash and blow dry. I have seen what wonders they do for the ugly trucks my parents drive. Only one problem, I needed a mode of transport and I don't see any way of hitching a ride without speaking the language of these beasts. Sigh.... How about if I just walk right through? Oh shoot, too little too late.... Dad then came sauntering up. For an old 2-legger, he sure got around. I heard barking that distinctly sounded female in tone, so I ran fast and jumped as high as I could to clear this retaining wall. You should have seen me, the drop was 6 feet down to the ground. It was a sight to behold, I knew I had her at woof. I approached her and we looked at each other. She was big, white and....a male german shepherd who bared his teeth to smile at me.

Next thing I knew, Dad picked me up and was climbing the wall to bring me to safety. Mom was waiting in the truck. And the little black chihuahua next door was laughing at me when we got home and they carried me into the house.... sniff, sniff.

How to get sympathy

Arrrooooo Everyone!

Wow! This place is really different. Mom woke me up early today and told me I was going to get 'valued for the day instead of staying at home with Mr. Sunshine smiling on me. I was really surprised after she put her coat on and waved the black noose in front of my nose. Why would she be waving that at me when she and Daddy always leave me home on their slave days. Everybody knows they have to go conjure up piles of moola for my food and fun with human days. I don't go to work, they do. What was up?

Well, being cat-like, curiousity won out so I consented to let her put it around my neck. And off we went on the adventure. She didn't go in the direction of McDonald's. Nope, not to the ice cream place either. I saw the park whiz by too.... What's up Mom? If she was taking me to the doctor or the groomer, I was gonna be very mad and think about revenge on some more shoes or worse, purses. (shudder....)

We pulled up to a house and I hopped out at the sight of DOGS in the window waving. Now this was good. Any dogs that I can go boss around, mess with their inferiority complexes, woo girlfriends to lift up their sweet tails for me and snacks to be stolen. Man, Mom you are so thoughtful. Boy, this just made my year! Is it my birthday and someone forgot to tell me? Or Lassie the King day? I better remember to mark on the calender with my paw when I get home....

Ohhhhh.... I heard Nancy the nice lady tell Mom on the phone that I'm roaming free and playing nice. Mom just yelled "I don't believe that is Scout you are talking about!!" I guess she thought they would keep me locked up in the room with just one dog like they did this morning cuz they thought I was dog 'gressive. Ha! Have you ever seen me lift a paw to do any work, jump rope for exercise or anything remotely involving the exertion of energy ? Nope, the world revolves around Scout. People jump when I say so. So I'll bark at you later people and let you know if Mom enrolls me in this new country club she found for me.

How to keep Mom at home...

March 8th 2005 5:25 am

After Mom's fiasco at that Timmy Horton's place a couple days ago, I heard some people complaining about her driving, how she should never drive again. Yeah, Dad was chief among them and he should talk. Wanna go outside with me and I'll show you with my paw all the dings in his truck and trailer. I don't got time to worry about him right now, save for later. 'We gotta do something about the Mommy' everyone was whispering. So I thought long and hard about what I could do.

I thought I could pull out more stuffing from my animals and put them on our bed so she could hopefully choke on them while sleeping. Nooooo, it didn't work. She threw them away. And then I wondered if maybe we could get her to take a bubble bath (my favorite, to lick the bubbles…yummm), perhaps she might fall? Nope, she's not going for it. Daddy got to the tub first and he left it alllll dirty from work. She didn't want to clean it and I'm just a dog. I can't get the Fantastik sprayer to work with my little feet. Somehow I didn't think food poisoning from Purina chow would work either because she just flushed the funny looking kibble bits down the toilet.

So when Dad told me it was time for me to take Mom for a walk, I thought there might still be a way for me to be a superhero. Shazam!!! I started the walk out nice and normal so as to not get her suspicions up. I did my sniff, sniffs and mark, marks on the obnoxious people's bushes & trees and where stupid Poms & Yorkies dared to tread. When I looked back to see that we were out of sight from our house, coast was clear. Broke out into a trot. It's like Michigan Derby time. Run, run faster Mom! You need it anyways cuz you are awful fat from what Dad says. Oh goody, here comes a raised sidewalk panel, might be what she needs, Bingo! Mom goes flying over my head….. Oh no, she's crying…. Mom, are you okay?? Looks like her pants ripped too. Noooo, you are not cutting our walk too? Darn it, I didn't want that to happen…. We were just supposed to keep you from driving for awhile and from the looks of that bloody drivers' leg, Score!!! Mom, mom ?? where are you limping, that's not our house……