Max goes shopping!

Hi, it's me Max. I wanted you all to know I'm good at finding my mom anywhere... Daddy hurt his fingers so he asked Mom to drive him to Lowe's tonight. We went along for the ride. Mom got tired of waiting for him to come out so she left me and Scout in the car and I guess she thought she rolled all the windows up (leaving them open a little to let air in of course). Nope, I jumped out that open window and ran to the Exit doors where she had entered. I waited for someone to come out so they would open back up and then I ran on past the cashiers and through the whole store looking for my Mom. I had a few people trying to chase me but I found Mom in the garden section and was I ever happy to see her! She was surprised...but why should she be? I did the same thing at Farmer Jack's grocery store. I found her in the produce section and the window had been left half open. Where there's a will, there's a way! Nope, Scout never tried - I think he's too chunky!

How to get fired...

I got fired from my first and only job ever this week. I don't know how or why it happened but it was an interesting week nevertheless. I was soooo proud when dad told me to get ready for work when he woke mom and me up on Monday morning. Work? Me? This sounded novel and interesting, to go and see what they do for a change. I just stood up, shook off the cobwebs of sleep, jumped off the bed and ran to the door to signal that I was ready to go. I wasn't going to give him a fraction of a second to change his mind. Sunshine and the couch gets old after about the first hour with nobody around.

We pulled up to what looked like an old shack and he immediately tied me up to the tree. I don't know what he expected me to do, scare off intruders who would bother him while he's working? Perhaps he was bad and didn't pull his permission from the city man, I hear they come and spank you for that. So not only did I have to watch out for nosey neighbors, the mailman, animal control officers but any man who looked like he came from a desk and pushed a red pencil. At least that's what I think he and his friend Larry were saying about the bad man. So I ran around and around looking each way up and down the street. My rope was getting was shorter and shorter until I couldn't breathe no more. Then Dad came out and he couldn't see me. I was white as a ghost from the paint I tipped over. So not only did he have pull all my rope apart but he had to spray that cold water on me to clean me. Then he cursed about paint all the way to Home Depose (You of $$). When it was lunchtime, nobody helped me get my food. I had to pry the lid off and get my own food. I ate it all and the plastic just because I was hungry. Dad said I got a subpar evaluation for the day and would have to try harder the next day.

So Tuesday comes and the same things happened. I accidentally spill his beautiful paint and all the trees and bushes got in my way of trying to watch out for the men he didn't want to bother him. I didn't eat the lunch because he didn't bring any so I thought my rating approval might go up for that. He didn't complain too much, just muttered about the paint on the way back to Home Depose. Wednesday comes and they finished the outside so they were working indoors. I try to paw the door so I could tell them that there were people going by. He opened the door and I ran inside all the way through the house and right back outside. I'm a dog! I saw a chance to do a perimeter inspection around the neighborhood and earn some brownie points. I had been tied up so he hadn't given me any opportunity. I ran down the streets, beachfront and onto the golf course. Larry ran all over after me because he's tall and he caught me. Dad said some bad words to me and told me I was fired. Only 3 days and he didn't ask for a survey report from the run?? He left me at home on Thursday and mom said she can't take me to work because they don't allow dogs in the government building. Yea, whatever... Bring me home the paper so i can pee on the want ads.

How to screw up...

Yesterday, I got tired of always being good and decided to play hooky and see what kinda fun I could make. I got lucky when I banged on the window to go out. When mom tried putting the ol' noose on me, it was loose and I made my break for sweet freedom. Saw a tomcat I could maybe scare hairballs out of but that didn't work out too well. Seems there might be a little thing called potbelly that has made friends with my two chins. Hey don't look at me, talk to the people who buy my groceries.

After I peed on tomcat's deck, I saw mom rounding the corner so I hurried up with my business and raced down the block. I wasn't ready to be dragged home. I could see what looked like dad and he was possibly organizing a Dog Scout pack with 10 boys holding stale doggy biscuits in the parking lot, arg! Piss off, dad!! I only get one life, not nine like the damn cats. You don't have to do your business in the yard with everyone watching, you eat whatever you want, whenever, drive all the time when you want and can go in all the stores. It's not fair! So tonight was my night to shine. I ran on and on.

I came to the car wash and I thought that if I ever wanted to get lucky with a babe I'd better go on inside for a quick wash and blow dry. I have seen what wonders they do for the ugly trucks my parents drive. Only one problem, I needed a mode of transport and I don't see any way of hitching a ride without speaking the language of these beasts. Sigh.... How about if I just walk right through? Oh shoot, too little too late.... Dad then came sauntering up. For an old 2-legger, he sure got around. I heard barking that distinctly sounded female in tone, so I ran fast and jumped as high as I could to clear this retaining wall. You should have seen me, the drop was 6 feet down to the ground. It was a sight to behold, I knew I had her at woof. I approached her and we looked at each other. She was big, white and....a male german shepherd who bared his teeth to smile at me.

Next thing I knew, Dad picked me up and was climbing the wall to bring me to safety. Mom was waiting in the truck. And the little black chihuahua next door was laughing at me when we got home and they carried me into the house.... sniff, sniff.

How to keep Mom at home...

March 8th 2005 5:25 am

After Mom's fiasco at that Timmy Horton's place a couple days ago, I heard some people complaining about her driving, how she should never drive again. Yeah, Dad was chief among them and he should talk. Wanna go outside with me and I'll show you with my paw all the dings in his truck and trailer. I don't got time to worry about him right now, save for later. 'We gotta do something about the Mommy' everyone was whispering. So I thought long and hard about what I could do.

I thought I could pull out more stuffing from my animals and put them on our bed so she could hopefully choke on them while sleeping. Nooooo, it didn't work. She threw them away. And then I wondered if maybe we could get her to take a bubble bath (my favorite, to lick the bubbles…yummm), perhaps she might fall? Nope, she's not going for it. Daddy got to the tub first and he left it alllll dirty from work. She didn't want to clean it and I'm just a dog. I can't get the Fantastik sprayer to work with my little feet. Somehow I didn't think food poisoning from Purina chow would work either because she just flushed the funny looking kibble bits down the toilet.

So when Dad told me it was time for me to take Mom for a walk, I thought there might still be a way for me to be a superhero. Shazam!!! I started the walk out nice and normal so as to not get her suspicions up. I did my sniff, sniffs and mark, marks on the obnoxious people's bushes & trees and where stupid Poms & Yorkies dared to tread. When I looked back to see that we were out of sight from our house, coast was clear. Broke out into a trot. It's like Michigan Derby time. Run, run faster Mom! You need it anyways cuz you are awful fat from what Dad says. Oh goody, here comes a raised sidewalk panel, might be what she needs, Bingo! Mom goes flying over my head….. Oh no, she's crying…. Mom, are you okay?? Looks like her pants ripped too. Noooo, you are not cutting our walk too? Darn it, I didn't want that to happen…. We were just supposed to keep you from driving for awhile and from the looks of that bloody drivers' leg, Score!!! Mom, mom ?? where are you limping, that's not our house……

Run for the border

February 18th 2005 9:10 am

This morning Momster told me she got an email that I am a punk pet on another website. They found out what I did to the glove somewhere else too and apparently i am gaining some fame over it (?) Gee whiz, she sure has a big mouth! Mooommmmmm......

Too bad I did such a lousy job as a dog when we went to Taco Bell the other day. The man came on the little box next to the truck and he said "Welcome to Taco Bell, Run for the Border" and I did just what he told me to. Flew right out the window from the passenger seat across mom, whoosh!!!

Almost made my getaway but she grabbed my leash and i was hanging out that drivers window, choking. Man, he kept asking me what specials would I like while I was barking to him that I need more time to be successful at executing the order. Mom's pulling me up and I'm pushing away on that door with my claws. Everybody's honking away how proud they were of me. Couldn't let anyone down!

Finally I get down on the ground and shake off the sweat. Gotta decide what a dog's gotta do next. Uh oh.... here she come.... Shoot, mom's fast. She grabbed me and we are in an all out battle on the ground. I howled like the Taco Bell dog to see if anyone of my fans who honked would come and get me away from my Mad Mom. My Escape wasn't working and the Man wasn't talking anymore out of the box. Too late, Momster picked me up and threw me in the truck and locked the doors. Darn it.... she got that look in her eyes and she's spitting fire. Gotta go into Charm 'Em Up mode - lick, lick and lick Mommy with my tongue. No Crate, noooooooo. I love youuuuuu Mommy!!!

How to have a little fun chewing things

It all began with the taste of a thumb. I spotted mom's green suede gloves laying around in the foyer a few weeks ago. I had gotten rather tired of rawhides and the cotton fillers of the silly toys they give me, you see. And the gloves did look like grass in the springtime. They weren't home so who's gonna stop me? Yum, didn't taste bad and didn't make me puke. But I didn't go overboard because last time I had glove, they shoved me in the crate and locked me up. I had to be careful and see if they noticed its absence.

So far so good. Night came and went. Mom and dad didn't look and see. Nobody grabbed me and yelled nonsense while waving the silly thing in the air. No being locked up in the garage. Yeah! So the next day I ate a few more tips of fingers. Tiny ones. I thought I saw mom noticed. She looked at me funny but didn't say anything. She never wore them anyways. Then today mom came home. Uh oh.... She sure didn't look happy. I ate all of the fingers off one glove but the middle finger, yeah that finger. And I left it on the floor in front of the door for her to see when she came home for lunch. Why is mom so upset?? She says she's going to take a picture and show everyone how I really feel about her and dad's generosity. It's a dog's life or should I say shiba's life! I am one spoiled shiba and do I know it.... purrrr.....